It’s not your thyroid…it’s the blue cheese milk shakes.

She will die alone.
And underage.

Anyone who knows me well knows I have a issue with fat people. Weird, I know. This isn’t a fitness thing either. I mean I am not in any kind of great shape and the only weights I lift come in twelve ounce cans. I could stand to lose a couple pounds off the ol beer keg. But I would never let myself get fat or obese in any way.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much but it does. I was at Teddys today. Anyone in Hawaii knows this is the best burger joint in town. I go there once every couple weeks or so. Well as usual while standing in line waiting for the line of heifers to be taken care of by the senile cashier I started to get pissed at what I saw.

Right in front of me was a family of five. There was a giant fat dad and a morbidly obese mother. In tow were their three fat and obnoxious kids. Two boys and one girl that resembled a young Chris Farley. The sight of them ordering burgers and fries was bad enough but the kids were so obnoxious and demanding. “Mom…mom….mom get me large friiiieeess. I want a miillllkshaaaaake!” This irritates me in so many ways.

First the cashier was one step above the short bus and took three hours to process and ring in this massive food order. No joke these people ordered enough food for ten people. But I am thinking that it is one thing if you wanna pound ranch dressing and blue cheese milk shakes as an adult. If you choose to be a disgusting slob with a life span of 45 years and then die of Crisco poisoning that is your prerogative. But how dare you allow and encourage your children to follow the same path as you?! Do you want them to be the object of ridicule for their entire youth. Made fun of in gym class because you have boobs like a 90 year old grandma….and if you are the boy you will never touch a piece of ass you didn’t pay for. For the girls, isn’t life tough enough  with all the social pressures to look good all the time. Now you are dooming her to a life of zero self esteem which always leads to further food dependency. “I eat cause I am sad and I am sad because I eat.” You know that whole thing. Just because you had a tough and extremely unhealthy life doesn’t mean you should curse you children with the same thing. It’s unfair. You need your fat faces slapped….hard. Really pisses me off! Have some self respect and be a decent example for your kids….ya slob.

Disability? Or just fat?

Now,  I have no sympathy for fat people. Just as I have none for drug addicts. I don’t feel for people that are messed up because of something they did to themselves on purpose. That being said….fat is NOT a disability! Sometimes I am forced to ride the public cesspool known as the bus. Nothing gets me more angry when you have to get out of your front row seat so some fat dude can roll his wheelchair on the bus and strap into the special section, forcing me to lose my seat. Not to mention its a 20 minute process to strap this dude in and now I am late. Thanks…I am late because you love burritos…wonderful. You are not disabled…you are fat. You ate so much you are now confined to wheelchair or one of those carts like they have at the Safeway. F U buddy. “It’s my thyroid…I have a gland problem.” Bullshit…you have a cream cheese problem. To that 1% of the population with a “gland” problem I am sorry. But the rest of you are lazy slobs and you are in my way and costing me time.

Sure I know I am mean. But that’s why when I see girls in their twentys that are one corn chip from disaster walking around with a new haircut, manicure, over tan and the latest skanky outfit I get pissed. First of all as NP would say, you are landscaping the yard and the house is burning down. Stop going tanning and going to the salon trying to hide your blubber….use that time to go to the gym or go for a walk. You can’t hide your triple chin behind those giant, stupid sunglasses that are all the rage these days. I can’t tell you just in the two years on this island how many girls I have seen just balloon in front of my eyes. Just out boozing every night…crushing nachos and not even thinking of a workout….only the next mornings McGriddle.

Why do these things bug me so much? Well as I said above the obese people piss me off because they are in the way and they are ruining their children. Then these twenty something girls piss me off because despite their continuously growing jean size they still think they are hot shit. Gross…take some lessons from the asian women out there that eat fish and rice….work out and shade themselves from the sun. Because when you look like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter when you are 30 they will still be hot. SLAP!