Boos for Bruises

Put them away!

Okay, ladies, I have a bone to pick with you all. Well, it’s mostly to do with the skinnier, more in shape ones, but I’ve seen it on you all before. I’m talking about the thigh bruises/short short combo. If you’re going to go out and wear the short shorts or skirts, please make sure you don’t have any bruises all over your thighs first.

I’ve noticed all kinds of bruises, and the ones I’m really talking about are the ones that are in the exact shape of a hand print. That is disgusting and makes you look like a whore. Not only do I know you’re getting railed by some dude at night, and by the positioning of the bruise can even tell what position you like, but I’m wondering why you’re out in the bar without him. And the only conclusion I can come up with is that the bruises are probably a result of too many buttery nipples with the rest of your bruise-covered herd the weekend before.

But even if the bruises aren’t in the shape of a hand print, I still beg you to wear pants or a longer skirt for a few days until they go away. Or put cover-up on them, I don’t care, I just don’t want to see them. And I know, a lot of you will say “oh, I just bruise easily, and that’s from the stall door hitting me in the ‘ladies’ room when I went to go take a crap halfway through my taquito plate at Cholo’s.” Again, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see them.

I’m telling you this for your benefit: people notice, they laugh, they point, and they assume things that may or may not be true. So if you got em, wear one of those sundress things or some jeans, or better yet, just stay home. Cause really, if you have hand prints all over your thighs, you may as well not even wipe the knob nog off your face from when you got those bruises, because we already know.