Don’t Shit on My Bread and Tell Me it’s a Candy Bar Sandwich

A shit sandwich

So here it is, 3:55am, and despite my best efforts I can’t sleep, and probably won’t before I pull a sixteen hour double starting in about 2 hours. What would normally probably be just some pathetic bitch-fest about personal issues, since this is slaptheface, I’ve decided to vicariously do that through a rant about people who tell you shit just to please you and either don’t follow through or were just straight up lying to your face. For example, shitting on bread and putting it on a paper-lined basket with a side of Lays and charging eight bucks for it, saying it’s a Baby Ruth on rye combo. Abstract as it may be, I feel that’s exactly what’s happened, and now that I’m questioning the cook as to why there is corn in the Baby Ruths, I feel the proverbial “candy bar” may be about to hit the fan.

Enough about that. My question is why can’t people just stop being assholes and say what they mean and mean what they say? Seriously, in most cases I feel the truth is better than a lie, especially when the truth is so glaringly obvious. And what’s the big deal about just fucking telling people what you think or how you feel?

I realize this still sounds like a bitch rant about personal issues, which it is, but I’m sure all of you straight-talking, no bullshit about it people here on slaptheface would agree: if you don’t like me, I don’t care – but don’t pretend like you do. If I’m pissing you off, good, tell me – but don’t pretend like I’m not. If I’m asking you questions, don’t try to deceive me – chances are I already know, and deliberately verbally backing you into a corner. And finally, if you tell me you’re going to do something, fucking follow through and do it.

I don’t know if I just come across as gullible or stupid or whatever, but this shit really pisses me off. I’d like to think that I don’t get fooled or deceived that easily or that often – I guess we’d all like to think that – but really, I don’t. I’ve been watching a lot of QVC lately and haven’t even bought anything for Christ’s Sake. I’d never get a full body scan at the hospital, and don’t believe the second gunman conspiracy on the grassy knoll for one second.

I guess my point is this: if someone intentionally tries to deceive you, that’s bullshit. If it’s unintentional (like flaking out because they got in a car wreck) that’s fine. The problem is in the grey area where it’s just more “convenient” for them to not update you, as it were, with any changes to the truth. What I mean by that is (going back to the sandwich analogy) the cook explains that they’re out of Baby Ruths. That’s fine, and you agree to have a Twix Sandwich. But later the cook realizes there’s only half a Twix left (that’s one biscuit, not one package of two biscuits), and decides to give you the half-twix half-shit sandwich and try to pass it off as a full twix sandwich. He’s obviously taking a risk – you may find out, maybe not, but it’s easier for him and in the longrun he doesn’t care what you eat or if he gets a paycheck or unemployment. THAT is the grey area I’m talking about – it’s not NOT a twix sandwich, but it’s far from being ONLY a twix sandwich. And if a situation is in that grey area, I say error on the side of caution for yourself – it’s better to go hungry than to eat a half-shit sandwich.

My other point is this: if you’re the cook, don’t try to pull a fast one, even if it’s only half a shit sandwich. Chances are you’ll probably be found out.