Today I had to go to the DMV to take care of some business, and was appalled at what I saw. Surprisingly, I’m not even talking about DMV employees, who, at least where I grew up, always got a bad rap because of their laziness, stupidness, and all around a-holeness. I was appalled at the class of people in there for whatever reason. There were two that weren’t so bad, and possibly not blog-worthy, but the third is what really inspired this post. Disgusting.
Firstly, there was this kid who I’m guessing was 15 or so, because he took the written test. Both his parents were there, and this kid must have thought he was pimp shit because he had his bling necklace on, a retarded silk button down shirt with some comic book character on it, and an old newsboy hat. This wasn’t so bad, I guess, but I picture stupid petty arguments with his parents before and after this experience, such as “well, we just won’t take you to get your permit then,” or “after all we did for you today at the DMV…” And this nerd will go back to school and be all excited, but nobody will care because he doesn’t have a car, and even if he did, couldn’t even drive himself for another six months.
Next, my attention was captured by a worker in the cashier area, who takes the pictures for the license and then calls out the names once the card is printed, and the newly licensed driver walks up and picks it up. She kept calling out the same name, about 5 or 6 times, until she finally started waving her arms around from behind the counter at a guy who was so old he couldn’t even hear her shouting across the whole room at him. And even once he knew his card was done, it still took him some time to stand up and hobble over to pick up his license. Excuse me, but this dude is waaay too old to drive. I mean, he probably just renewed, but 400 years ago when he took his original drivers test it was probably on the back of a brontosaurus. Just the fact that he was so old and senile that he couldn’t recognize the sound of his own name from 20 feet away should be clue enough to everyone working there that he shouldn’t be driving. His gigantic hearing aid and stiff crotchety walk should have been a hint that within a few months he’s going to be hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake, and drive all over the sidewalk and through a restaurant wall and have no idea what’s going on until 30 people are dead and he’s unconscious – not hurt, just taking a nap.
Finally was probably one of the most classless people I’ve ever seen. This woman, maybe somewhere between 25 and 40 (it was hard to tell – it always is with the super fat ones), wearing baggy, nasty red sweat pants, disgusting white and clear – well, faded and yellowish slippers, and a white, stained, too small for her spaghetti strap top, with bra straps hanging out all over the place. Oh yeah, she HAD to be at least 350 pounds. Probably closer to 400. Her hair was obviously not done, just pulled back into a stiff, wiry, curled pony tail, with obligatory strays sticking out like weeds in grass, trying to escape the thick greasy scalp that it was so unfortunately assigned to. She took a driving test, and I had the pleasure to see her exit the vehicle, shake her ass a little bit to clear a wedgie (since her stubby arms couldn’t even reach her ass, which brings up both an interesting question and a horrible mental image that has to do with wiping), and then pull her stained shirt back down as far as it would go over her loose, stretch-marked belly. Yuck. Unfortunately, she headed back inside where I was, because she passed. I have two things to say about this: first, if this chick can’t even wipe her ass, how is she going to shoulder check, or get a seat belt around her, or be able to pass by a drive-thru and not stopping if she can drive? How is she going to maneuver in order to parallel park, or get her fat sausage fingers into the ashtray to pull out a couple quarters for the meter? She shouldn’t be able to drive. For those reasons, and because we don’t want to see that out and about around town; she should be confined to her place, indoors, out of the public eye. Secondly, she knew where she was going today. She knew she’d be in a compact car with a stranger, and have to be around a hundred other people while waiting and standing in line. Take some pride in yourself! Don’t go out of the house looking all gross and disgusting – even though you are, you could at least shower and put on clean clothes. Those fat people are allowed in public. Ones like you, you’re not. I bet behind the counter all the testers drew straws to see who would have to ride in a tiny car with that chick, smelling blue cheese doritos and that weird sour milk smell that poor and fat people seem to always emit. Yuck. Have some class, even if you are 900 pounds. Look at Oprah – she can do it. So can you. Don’t be gross.
Slapbacks