That’s right, I’m a 100% heterosexual man and I hate strip clubs. I have been trying think of a lighter non political post the last couple days. I have a few in mind but then I was talking to a buddy of mine who has has over the last few days been forced to go to a couple of these places and he expressed to me how he hates them as well. So that’s where this comes from.
I remember a while back when Steve and I were thinking of stuff to put on this site that we had a idea to do strip club reviews here in Honolulu. Well that never happened because (A) except maybe one they all get a failing grade and (B) I just don’t want to go. Now don’t get me wrong there was a time in my 20’s that I thought is was fun. But that was only because I had never done it and it was kind of exciting. Now I am 34 and I can’t think of anywhere else I would less like to be except maybe a hostess bar. A hostess bar is a club where women are there for you, dressed well and supposed to be more classy. But you pay them insane amounts of money and you buy them drinks just to TALK to you. No nakedness, no dancing, zero dry humping in a booth, just talk. It’s an Asian thing. I don’t know if they have these on the mainland. Anyway, I can’t stand being in a place with 7 dollar Bud Lights where the women actually kind of harass you for private dances. Obviously the place is filled with men and the weird part is that they are all horny and sitting real close to each other….silent. I don’t want to be around of dudes packing boners 6 inches away from me. It’s like when a guy wants you to watch a porn with him. It’s awkward, not right. Then you make eye contact and it’s all even more awkward and weird. Outside of a bachelor party or two, which I consider the only appropriate time to visit, the place is packed with creepy characters. There is the old married guy there alone, the fat dudes that never have touched a girl they didn’t pay for, random black guys trying to kick game to all the dancers and thinking that it’s working and the massage guy. There is always a guy you see giving the dancers shoulder massages at the bar. There is at least one every club and he is there daily. Then there is the guy who isn’t fat, married, ugly or desperate. He looks normal and probably has a girlfriend back home but he just has some weird obsession with the strip clubs. We all know a guy like that. It’s always his idea to go and when he wants to go, he WANTS to go.
Nothing is worse than being dragged to these places against your will because everyone else is going so you have no choice. First you pay 10 bucks or more just to get in, and you don’t even want to be there! Weird friend is first in line and before you even pay and walk in he is already over to the stage belly up with his face buried in a girls crotch just…..staring. That creepy blank stare. You know the one. It’s just plain weird and creepy, don’t know how else to describe it. Don’t know about most guys but I don’t feel the need nor do I get excited by gazing into a woman’s birth canal. But he does. The funny part is the look on the dancers face. It’s usually one of complete boredom, because she does this all night 4 nights a week. Sometimes they will even be watching the TV over at the bar in the distance. 20 dollars please.
Then there is the “private dance.” The girl finally convinces (harasses) you to go with her into some back hallway with booths lined up all with curtains hanging on the front. For only 20 bucks she will, for one song, dry hump you on a chair and stick her boobs in your face. OK, so now I have this involuntary boner and it’s now sore because you are mashing on it through my jeans. Awesome. Plus if you don’t get into the booth at the beginning of the song you’re screwed. If you only catch the last minute of the tune, that’s all you get. That will be 20 bucks please.
Don’t get me going on the poor souls who think, “Dude, I think she really likes me.” No……she doesn’t. It’s her job and you fell for it to the point you just blew 200 dollars on lap dances while she is laughing with her fellow dancers backstage using that money to buy some blow.
You can easily blow like 300 bucks in 2 hours and all you get is a chafing on your unit and a sense of being a sucker. After you stop at the drug store to get baby powder for your beat up unit you go home, pass out wake up the next day and try to tell yourself it was fun. Unless you are in Motley Crue it wasn’t. For guys like that it’s not a strip club so much as a buffet. For the rest of us it’s a big scam, a magic show full of illusion for the monster in your pants.
Bottom line, my buddy was right, strip clubs suck.
It’s funny to see Face in the Crotch Dude also because he’s usually the type who’s been yelled at before about touching, so now either sits on his hands or has them pointed out behind him, while he’s stretching his neck out as far as he can like some retarded turtle or eel trying to get as close as he can.
If people who frequent these places had any game at all, especially here where there’s easy tourists running around EVERYWHERE, they wouldn’t feel the need for strip clubs, because instead of $300 it would be $20 (if that) on a couple drinks and smarmy conversation with one of said tourists. Plus, they let you touch them.
And thus concludes our reviews of strip clubs in Hawaii, and everywhere for that matter. But if you must go to one in Hawaii, of the ones I’ve been to out here Femme Nu is the best, yet still nothing really to write home about. Well, we saw Dog the Bounty Hunter’s son there one time; I guess that was kinda cool.
dude, i agree with you totally. i dont get excited by girls showing me their birth canal. my friend goes to a strip club quite often and i go just to not be an asshole. i got one lapdance just for the fun of it cuz he kept convincing me but all that is a fricken joke. i know that these women who are coming up to me talking to me are just there for my money and nothing more than that. they dont come up to me just to talk like they do in regular clubs. thats why i hate strip clubs. theyre a joke and theyre for losers. i like women who have respect for their bodies and those who respect me as a person and not for my money. those who sell their bodies for money have no respect for themselves.
I ran across this post searching for other people that agree with me on this. It’s a waste. The girl walks up and rubs her body on yours, then talks to you trying to gain your trust and acceptance. Once she has you hooked, you go to the back for the dance.
A few girls came up to me wanting to give me a dance. I told them I was dragged along by my friends and that I am just there for the beer. They then realize they wasted their time with me and get mad. I didn’t let them play me…I played them. I’d act all flirty and talk to them, making them think Io was interested. When they ask for a dance, I deny them.
If you are like me, 100% heteroseexual male and are dragged along, do what I do. It helps pass the time.
s4r, I couldn’t agree with you more. It really irritates me how they get mad if you even just deny them once or twice. I think they go in the back and tell each other who’s not willing to get the back-room lap dance, because I’ve noticed after a few minutes they all stop asking.
I’ve found that finding a table that’s in good view of the stage is the best way – you can just sit there and watch all the other retards tip them and whatnot. Cause to me, paying for fake attention/affection is dumb, because you KNOW the only reason why they want anything to do with you is just because of the money.